Women ask me all the time “How do I know if I’m having an orgasm?“  If you have to ask then you definitely aren’t having one!  The female orgasm can be elusive and it doesn’t have a cut dry method to its madness.  Unfortunately women aren’t having orgasms; they want them but don’t know how to get them!  So what’s the problem and what can you do?

A Controversy – Not All Women Created Equal?

There is controversy among sexologists of whether or not all healthy women can experience coital orgasm without other types of stimulation (i.e. clitoral).  Many well-known sex researchers like Masters and Johnson believe all women have the ability; and other prominent researchers like Helen Kaplan believe there is some variance and not all women have this ability.  Studies have shown that 70-80% of women need direct clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm.  Studies from 1957 up to now show that only 17% to 45% of women actually have coital orgasms.  I’ll tell you about the coital alignment technique a sexual position that helps this near the end.  So why do some woman have orgasms and others don’t?

The inability to have an orgasm is commonly referred to as anorgasmia.  There are several types:

• Primary anorgasmia which means a woman has never had an orgasm by any means – masturbation, fantasizing, oral, vaginal or anal penetration.
• Situational anorgasmia is when a woman can only have an orgasm in a certain way, pattern or position.
• Random anorgasmia is when the orgasms aren’t regular or dependable even when sexually stimulated.
• Secondary anorgasmia is when a woman loses reliable patterns of orgasmic response.  This can also be caused by painful intercourse, traumatic sexual experiences or being involved in a unsatisfying relationship.

It’s important to distinguish emotional from physiological causes of anorgasmia.  The use of alcohol, prescription drugs, recreational drugs or even illness can be a factor.  The decreased amount of estrogen in a woman’s body during menopause can also effect the ease in which a woman orgasms.  A physician should be consulted to determine the physical causes.

You Must Masturbate To Explore Your Own Body To Know What It Wants

If you have not masturbated (and many people haven’t) you must explore your own body!  This will give you a sense of your own body, its reactions and needs that make it easier for you to guide your partner!  If this is a challenge for you visit the Ten Best Sellers at Romantic Gifts for some tasteful toys and games that might make it easier for you and your partner to have fun with this!

Get In Touch With Your Emotions To Better Your Orgasms

Emotionally, Doris Lessing said it best in her book The Golden Notebook:

“A vaginal orgasm is emotion and nothing else, felt as emotion and expressed in sensations that are indistinguishable from emotions…”

Keep in mind that as recent as 1957 gynecology experts believed that women didn’t have sexual feelings, sexual needs or desires.  This was only 51 years ago!  A study of female sexuality will show just how much the experts and world has changed in 51 years.  Keep in mind people’s attitudes and behaviors do not necessary change at the same warp speed.  As a 50 year old Baby Boomer, you’re coming from a generation where the socialization of sexual expression and desire was VERY different than what women from the Generation X, Y and Millennial have experienced.  So check in with yourself and discover your beliefs and values about sexuality.

Nothing Like Exercise To Bring On The Big ‘O

Emotionally how a woman feels about herself, her partner and her relationship will make a difference.  If you aren’t feeling great about your body, your life or anything around that it will affect your libido and ability to orgasm.  One quick fix is to eat a healthy diet, do not take prescription drugs unless medically necessitated and EXERCISE!  Study after study show that exercise increases self-esteem and sexual satisfaction!  Check in with your partner and how you feel about the relationship.  If you have “lost that loving feeling” and things like trust, safety, passion, and intimacy are missing explore what you can do as a team to rebuild this.  A sex counselor or therapist might be warranted.

Lastly, SPICE IT UP!

Visit The SexKitchen (c) for some saucy recipes that will light your partners fire!  Try new sexual positions or being intimate in ways you’ve never tried before!  The coital alignment technique is a variation of the missionary-man-on-top position that increases coital stimulation.  Partners line up in the traditional missionary position with the man on top then he moves his entire body forward so with each penetration his pubic bone stimulates a woman’s clitoris.   One study showed that 56% of women increased their orgasmic ability by using this technique!

I think the best place to start is your spiritual center.  Get connected to who you really are and get comfortable with yourself.  When you can do this you can explore your emotional landscape and deal with what you need to deal with.  Although there are many physical causes of not being able to orgasm, in most women it’s emotionally rooted!

You have to determine what weeds should be pulled out of your sexual garden and what seeds need to be nurtured to grow. In some cases an established plant needs to be cut back, trimmed, fertilized and nurtured to grow!  Only you can say but get busy because once you have a coital orgasm you’ll wonder what you’ve been waiting for!